Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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