That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
