Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize