Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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