I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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