he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize