can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dignity is for republicans.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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