The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
