Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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