the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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