If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
