I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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