I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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