His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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