So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
