Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
