Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
