I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
