Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
