dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
