Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
