The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
