Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
COCAINE IS GR8
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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