My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
