i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
