I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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