tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
