Apparently you make a good broom.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
