Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
