You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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