Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize