Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
