I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
