she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
