I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i think i have two assholes
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
