no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
