I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
