Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
