I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize