My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
