dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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