Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
