hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
