You smell like a Billy Joel song
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
