i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
