apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
