I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
