New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
