my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
