If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
