what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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