I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
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