so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i already hear my dad disowning me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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