Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
