I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
