when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
