Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
