I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize