I checked into jail on foursquare
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
