I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I believe in your delicious
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize