Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
