Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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