she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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