I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
