and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
