I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
