yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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