If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
